Demons to Fight

There are too many emotions. What to say? What is most important? What makes the most sense? What can people relate to? Right now, I do not care.

I always feel like I am not good enough, whether it be a lot or a little. Always, I fall short. I have an issue with people criticizing me without reason or warning. I do not understand those who are so ill mannered and mean to others; it seems these people are always ahead in the game. I refuse to lower myself to someone I am not just to succeed. My depression is a constant ache, my obsessive compulsive thoughts only making that pain worse. Anxiety? Let me worry about my depression and OCD. Bills? Fuck, everything is late. I am never good enough because I refuse to sacrifice who I am to get ahead. When will I be enough? Never? Okay, I will learn to cope. My immune system seems to be working against me, as if everything else was not enough. Fibromyalgia, which my doctor suspects I have, sends pain through my body. Is it in my mind? Maybe. The pain is still just as real. My bones pop when I move, constantly readjusting from the pressure of life. My body is weak and tired, and my mind the same. Every day, I wake up and act as though I am fine. I am going to have a good day. I am not depressed, nor anxious. It is absurd that I am thought to have Fibromyalgia.. I am too young, too healthy. Reality sets in before I even remove my head from my pillow. I am not okay, and it hurts to admit that. I am flawed in a way that most people can not understand. I am flawed in a way that society does not accept. My depression, anxiety, OCD, and whatever the hell else is wrong does not care that my disabilities are seen as miniscule. Depressed? Well, just get up and do something; it will go away. Anxious? Why do you worry about everything? Think about something else; get out and do something and it will go away. OCD? You must be crazy, just stop. You are having a panic attack? Just calm down and come into work and get your mind off of things. You are on medication? I do not believe that helps. Have you tried yoga? I just can not believe depression and anxiety are actually caused my a chemical imbalance; the medication you are on surely is not helping.

On a good day, I am still struggling. On a bad day, it is all I can do to appear ‘normal.’ On a ‘normal’ day, my thoughts still consume me. Mental disorders are real, and those who discredit them are monsters. I do not seek sympathy, but I do seek understanding.

I say that I am okay, because in MY reality, I am. A good day for me may be equivalent to one of the worst days of your life.

Tomorrow, I will wake up the same as I did today: worried, anxious, sad, mad, lazy, avoid-ant, antisocial, introverted, eccentric, excited, achy, tired.. This is who I am, and I fear, who I will always be.

I will not apologize for the cards I have been dealt. Nor should you judge others from being a different card than you are. We are all part of the same deck; we are all important and unique. We do not have to understand one another, but we do need to accept that life has given us all different demons to fight.

Blooming

Like a flower, she opens up in the spring
The sun and warmth sparking a fire in her soul
She blooms – a lifeless being becoming new again
Mother nature has a special touch
Inspiration feeds the fire in her soul
Her soul continues to bloom
She sees herself in nature
She feels herself in the wind
She hears her thoughts all around her
This is the closest to God she has ever been

Love is to Blame

Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
Better to have found your one true love or realize they are your downfall?
Would you rather be alone or cry yourself to sleep a thousand times?
Would you rather have never known love or to believe deceitful lies?

Go to bed alone and wake up the same
If that is all you have ever known, then love is not to blame
Love is not to blame for your heartache
Love is not to blame for all of your mistakes
Love is not to blame for you feeling alone
Love is not to blame for your jealousy
Love is not to blame for your trust issues
Love is not to blame for your insecurities
Love is not to blame.

For me, I have loved and I have also lost
I have been happy and loved, but now I pay the cost
For me, love is to blame.