It’s been a while.

I haven’t felt the need to write lately, mainly because I feel like no one cares what I have to say. But tonight, I have that heavy, anxious feeling in my chest as if words are slowly filling up my veins, and if I don’t let them bleed out, then I will undoubtedly explode.

There are so many topics, sentences, and questions flowing through me – how do I pick out what to write down? After months upon months of nothing, why is this happening now? Words often flow through easier through my veins when I am in a state of depression, so my mental stability comes into question. I know I have been feeling more down and emotional lately, but surely my body realizes that I don’t have time to fall into a state of depression. Right?

Time has made a habit out of making the loss of a loved one easier. Time, this time, has failed me. It has been two years, three months, and six days since I lost my father. The longer he’s gone, the more of my life he’s missing, and the more it hurts like no pain I have ever experienced before. I can feel the emptiness swell through my body like a disease that eats every ounce of energy and happiness that I have left. Mannequins enjoy life more than I do sometimes.

I earned my Associate’s Degree (although useless, it’s still somewhat of an accomplishment), graduated with honors, on the Dean’s List, and a member of two National Honor Societies. You weren’t there, and honestly, I didn’t really want to be there either. I transferred to the university that I swore I’d never go to. I got into the Social Work program, and I’m a member of a couple of organizations. But I haven’t been able to tell you that. You haven’t been able to tell me that you’re proud and that you love me.

That’s what hurts so deeply, Dad. My life is moving forward without you in it. Some days, I want to just stand still. I want to quit, go back to bed, and never wake up. I want to be where ever you are. You are supposed to be here, at least until I’m done with school and get married. No twenty-four year old should have to lose their father. I’ve thought I was an adult since I was a teenager, but losing you was a harsh slap in the face. I still need my daddy, so come back. Come back and guide me, love me, and show me all of the things that I still need to know.

I live in two different realities:

  1. Depression, anxiety, sadness, irritability, anger, swollen eyes, exhaustion, migraines, aches, and pains. Nothing is worse than the sound of my alarm. I dread the thoughts of simply existing. I lack motivation. What is the point in all of this? Why do I stretch myself so thin all of the time? Why do I try so hard and care so much? We are all going to die anyway.
  2. My passions overwhelm me and I have too many things I want to get done. I am ready to start my day with a shower and an iced latte. The weather is beautiful and I want to sit outside, feel the sunshine, and listen to the birds sing. I feel my depression awakening, but I’m able to put her back to sleep. I put my anxiety back to bed as well. I’m able to overcome my negative emotions and everything is okay. I am going to change the world for the better.

To those who don’t struggle with mental illness, I may seem like a manic mess. To those who can relate, they know that this is a normal part of life. To outsiders unaware of my internal struggle, they would never assume anything was wrong. I seem like a ‘normal’ person. Some days, I even feel sort of normal.

My veins no longer feel like they are going to explode from the accumulation of unsaid words. Self-care is important, necessary even. Writing is self-care for me. I am still learning to love and respect myself.

Time. Everything takes time.

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7 thoughts on “It’s been a while.

  1. You poor darling …. losing a parent is utterly, utterly soul-destroying. I was only a couple of years older than you when I lost mine and then my mother 2 years, 11 months and … well, put it this way the 13th is the anniversary. I too suffer from anxiety and depression and without a doubt it makes the intensity of the pain and the longevity of the pain so very much worse. I do understand. I have only recently started going to therapy for my depression and now I wish, wish, wish that I had sought some form of grief counselling. If it had helped me even 10% it would have been worthwhile. If you haven’t, and could bear to, it would be worth the time and effort …. because then at the very least, you can offload your pain somewhere. Time of course as everyone will tell you is a great healer, but that won’t help you right now. Treat yourself like the most delicate Dresden china and keep up with your self-help, surround yourself with good people and take every single day slowly and carefully. Your writing is lovely and I’m looking forward to reading more. I’m sending you masses of cyber hugs and empathy because life’s a bitch sometimes isn’t it … x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that. I have been going to therapy on and off for about 7 years now and it has helped me more than I could ever express. Without skills I learned in therapy, along with medication, my anxiety and depression made it impossible to leave the house some days. I wish you the best of luck on your journey of healing as well! Thank you again, *cyber hugs back*

      Liked by 2 people

  2. So sorry for what you are going through. I lost my mom in 2006 and my dad in 2009. I was in my 40’s, but It was really tough emotionally because I felt like I had really just started healthy and meaningful relationships with them about 15 years prior. I was in counseling from 1988 to about 1998. I went to a wonderful male counselor who really helped me learn how to trust people again, and find others who were worthy of my trust.

    Like

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