I’ll always be in love.

I will always be in love with the love that we had. I will never forget the smile that came across your face whenever I showed up without any warning; the smile that radiated pure, childish, happiness. It is one of my most beautiful, and sad, memories that I will forever hold dear to my heart. I will never forget the euphoric feeling I had whenever we were together; what we were doing at the time did not matter – I just wanted to be with you. I will never forget looking into your eyes; the most beautiful green, speckled with brown..they contained such an innocence that gave me hope. At the time, you hid no secrets behind those beautifully colored mirrors into your soul. I will never forget the sound of your laugh, which I heard so very often; on my worst days, your joy and laughter would spread to me. You were electric. I will never forget the times we created art together; in those moments, we became one. I will never forget the softness of your skin or the silkiness of your dirty blonde hair. I will never forget the freckles on your face. I will never forget you, because part of me will always be in love with who you used to be.

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P o r n .

I get it. You’re lonely and without a female(or male) intimately involved in your life. There is every type of porn available within a few clicks on your computer; I see how that must be overwhelming to a guy with needs to be met.

I don’t get it. You’re with a girl (or guy) who you share such a wonderful connection with; you find her(him) interesting, funny, smart, and beautiful(handsome), among many other things. Your sexual needs are being met. You still seek out porn in your spare time.

You’re not sexually active and you love porn. One day, you meet a girl who takes your breath away. Things start getting more serious and you find yourself in the bedroom trying to make love. Why trying? Because she’s a real girl, your brain doesn’t know what to do..your orgasm is connected to a screen so a real body just doesn’t do it for you. It just doesn’t work. She feels such a sense of sadness and insecurity. Obviously, she isn’t good enough. “Yes you are! This is a problem with me, not you. You’re beautiful and I’m so lucky to have you.” the guy tells her. You’re right, the problem is with you, but it trickles down and also now becomes about her. The truth is: she isn’t good enough. She isn’t good enough for your brain and body, no matter the reasoning. Knowing that you can get it up to a virtual woman (whom girls often feel inferior to) is heartbreaking. Even if you get the issue fixed later down the road, that pain will stay with her. She will always feel like she isn’t enough, even in other relationships.

She knows you struggle, so she sends you some pictures of herself to look at. You love the pictures and she feels so relieved. That same week, she finds out you still watched porn. Now she really doesn’t feel good enough..

“I don’t know why I watch it. It’s actually kind of gross.” Is it? Is it kind of gross? Because your raging erection and obsession with watching it says otherwise. The last time I checked, I don’t get turned on by things that I find gross.

“I watched it because I was lonely for so long.” I get it. You aren’t lonely now.. so what’s your excuse?

“I’m not into girls that look fake.” But yet you constantly look at them and pleasure yourself? Something isn’t adding up.

“No, I don’t wish you looked like porn stars.” That’s good to know. Why can you get it up while looking at them, but can’t make love when you see me (a REAL person)?

“I can’t stand to hurt you. I’m disgusted with myself. I’ll fix this, I promise.” A week later and you have still watched it some. “Well, it’s less than what I used to…” What happened to being disgusted with yourself and not wanting to hurt me? Because, shocker, I’m hurt.

He lies to you about watching porn. “I didn’t want to hurt you… that’s why I didn’t tell you.” But, somehow, lying hurts less? I don’t think so.

Why does he think its okay to look at other naked women on a regular basis? Does he want his girlfriend to look at other naked guys and touch herself? I don’t think so. The excuse that “porn doesn’t mean anything” is bullshit. If it didn’t mean anything, then you wouldn’t have a problem giving it up. I donate things that don’t mean anything to me to charity; time to donate your porn problem to the trash. It also means A LOT to the girl you’re hurting; that should be enough, if anything is, to stop.

If you’re in a relationship where both parties are okay with porn, awesome. If you’re in a relationship where you disagree with one another on watching porn, then open and honest communication needs to be used.

For me, it’s a deal breaker. If you watch porn, great, but I’m done going through this. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m sick of being hurt. I’m sick of crying over it. I’m sick of trying to just deal with it. I deserve someone who only looks at me. I deserve someone who doesn’t view a woman’s body as just something to look at as a means to get off. I deserve to feel sexy and beautiful in an intimate relationship.

 

 

Daily Reminders

A small step in the right direction is still a step in the right direction. I have to keep reminding myself of that, every day. I am enough. I don’t owe anyone anything. The only opinion that matters is my own. Loving myself is more than enough. Sleeping alone isn’t so bad. Always look at things from different perspectives. A day without talking is okay. Not knowing every single detail is perfectly acceptable. It’s okay to trust. It’s okay not to trust. Never apologize for sharing your feelings, even if they are irrational. Always be honest. Don’t apologize for being who you are; instead, learn to love who you are. Have control over your thoughts. Be playful. Accept that some people won’t like you. Worrying is normal. Accept that you won’t like some people. Your feelings are valid. If you care for someone, let them know. If you aren’t happy, then make yourself happy. Be open minded. Do things that make you happy on a daily basis. Saying no is okay; saying no without an explanation is okay. Know what your morals are, and don’t break them. Have hope. Never allow yourself to put in all the effort with nothing in return. Don’t be judgmental. Practice being compassionate. Expectations lead to disappointments; life is short and unpredictable, so avoid being disappointed. Be nice to people. Give yourself compliments. Know that nothing is concrete. If you are hurt, no one else can tell you that you aren’t. Find some sort of beauty in every one and every thing. Look to the past for advice. Say please and thank you. Mental illnesses aren’t anything to be ashamed of. Learn to listen to others and understand their feelings. Know that it’s okay to be depressed sometimes, as long as you pick yourself back up. Things can, and often do, change. Learn to communicate your feelings in a healthy way. Be faithful to yourself. Realize that everything isn’t as it seems. Don’t regret anything. Sometimes things fall apart, and that’s okay; pick yourself back up and try again. Know what triggers your anxiety. Treat life as if it is a magnificent journey. Know that arguments aren’t the end of the world. Sometimes, being selfish is necessary. Stop being so reliant on social media and text messaging. Know when to let go; know when to hold on. If you’re lonely, talk to God. Instagram likes shouldn’t give you a sense of self worth. Avoid going to sleep angry. Occasionally being lazy is alright. Have fun without spending money. Keep a journal throughout your lifetime. Use your talents. Yell when it’s necessary. Be charitable. Don’t put yourself down. Learn to truly laugh and find yourself being caught in a moment where you are overcome with happiness. Crying does not make you weak. Be selfless when you can. Don’t hold grudges. Smile. Have faith in something bigger than yourself. Don’t bottle up your emotions. Be environmentally friendly. Set goals for yourself that are attainable. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Only surround yourself with people who appreciate who you truly are and uplift you. Dress up for yourself. Be considerate. Enjoy nature. Create intimate and special relationships with as many people as you can. Talk to strangers; smile at strangers. Making someone else happy will make you happy in return. Most importantly, always be yourself. Spend each day learning who you are.

I once told a friend years ago that if there are two pieces of pizza left, I’ll take the smaller one. She said, “Misty, no one is going to get mad at you for taking the damn larger piece of pizza.” It’s okay to take the larger slice of pizza.

Vol. 1

I latch onto things. I cling to people. I hold people too close to my heart without their permission. I care too much, and I feel too deeply. After all of the pain I have endured, you think I’d be able to detach, but that isn’t the case. There has never been a point in my life that I haven’t latched onto another human being. There has never been a time where I go to sleep without someone on my mind. There is never a time when I look at my phone without hoping I have a message from a certain someone.

I’m a hopeless romantic, as much as it pains me to admit that. When I’m sad, I dream of my prince charming showing up at my door to comfort me. When I hear a car, I hope it’s him surprising me just because he wanted to see me. I wish for flowers just because. I anxiously await a sweet good morning text message. Each person I meet, I dream of these things that I know I’ll never get.

While I’m falling asleep thinking of you, I’m not on your mind at all. While I’m dreaming of sleeping beside you, you’re probably sleeping beside someone else. When I wake up and text you that I hope you have a wonderful day, you’ve probably just sent that same text to another. I think of you throughout the day and hope you’re well, meanwhile, I’m still not anywhere on your mind. As I’m writing this, alone and rather sad, you’re happy. You’re happy without me or anyone else, and I’m angry. I’m angry because I’m not only bad at being alone, I just don’t know how.

#14

Sadness flows through my veins-
to what pleasure do I owe this pain?
Up and down my breathing goes
Sometimes gasping for air
Fleeing from what I don’t want to know
Eyes glazed into a stare
My highs are high, my lows are low

Love is to Blame

Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
Better to have found your one true love or realize they are your downfall?
Would you rather be alone or cry yourself to sleep a thousand times?
Would you rather have never known love or to believe deceitful lies?

Go to bed alone and wake up the same
If that is all you have ever known, then love is not to blame
Love is not to blame for your heartache
Love is not to blame for all of your mistakes
Love is not to blame for you feeling alone
Love is not to blame for your jealousy
Love is not to blame for your trust issues
Love is not to blame for your insecurities
Love is not to blame.

For me, I have loved and I have also lost
I have been happy and loved, but now I pay the cost
For me, love is to blame.