I look for you in everyone I meet. I search for pieces of you every place I go. You are a puzzle that has been undone, spending your life scattered across numerous floors. Certain pieces of you hold the beauty of a thousand suns, while others are nothing but a beige blur. I am unable to find the parts of you that I seek the most; maybe the wind knows, and blows you away from me. I spend my life searching for you; you are always just out of my reach. I look for you in every corner, as I stumble to my knees. I spend my whole life searching only to end up empty.
One windy afternoon, as the clouds were swirling above, you walked by; my eyes caught a glimpse of your red sweater just before they caught a glimpse of your soul. Looking ahead, carelessly checking your phone, I wasn’t a part of your reality. I, a stranger, just a blur on the street corner, no different than anyone else around us. To me, in that moment, time stood still; the way your cheeks scrunched up when you smiled at your phone, the way you brushed your hand through your golden hair, and how each step you made seemed so flawlessly planned out. I found myself longing to know you, all while you lived unknowing of my existence. Weeks later, drinking a coffee, I found myself thinking of you, wondering of your well-being, hoping that one day we would cross paths again. Until that fortunate day, I will quietly smile as I think of you, a beautiful stranger with an electric soul. Sadly, I am no where in your mind, let alone your heart. In your life, my love that I would so gladly share with you, doesn’t exist.
I latch onto things. I cling to people. I hold people too close to my heart without their permission. I care too much, and I feel too deeply. After all of the pain I have endured, you think I’d be able to detach, but that isn’t the case. There has never been a point in my life that I haven’t latched onto another human being. There has never been a time where I go to sleep without someone on my mind. There is never a time when I look at my phone without hoping I have a message from a certain someone.
I’m a hopeless romantic, as much as it pains me to admit that. When I’m sad, I dream of my prince charming showing up at my door to comfort me. When I hear a car, I hope it’s him surprising me just because he wanted to see me. I wish for flowers just because. I anxiously await a sweet good morning text message. Each person I meet, I dream of these things that I know I’ll never get.
While I’m falling asleep thinking of you, I’m not on your mind at all. While I’m dreaming of sleeping beside you, you’re probably sleeping beside someone else. When I wake up and text you that I hope you have a wonderful day, you’ve probably just sent that same text to another. I think of you throughout the day and hope you’re well, meanwhile, I’m still not anywhere on your mind. As I’m writing this, alone and rather sad, you’re happy. You’re happy without me or anyone else, and I’m angry. I’m angry because I’m not only bad at being alone, I just don’t know how.
As I am drowning in my tears, you are floating on a cloud. I see everything I am about to lose as you see everything you are about to gain. Though I am holding on tight, you are trying to let go. If you love something, let it go. But no. I have never known life without you in it. I have never awoken a day without you. You are a part of life that I do not know how to live without. While you are drifting away, I am trying to figure everything out. I hope that when you close your eyes, the beauty is almost too much to bear. I hope that when you drift off to sleep, your passed loved ones are there. I hope that when you leave this world, you are happy, comfortable, and content. Most of all, I hope you know how much love you have left behind. Your life has been well spent.
You are a shooting star;
but maybe, I have only heard of such a thing.
I have never seen one, not even from afar.
To my mind, you are just a dream.
We all learn from our pasts.
History seems to always come back around,
telling us that nothing good ever really lasts.
To our yesterdays we are bound.
A star you may be, but to my mind you are just a mystery.
My history of sadness will hide all of your beauty, because my past reminds me that nothing this beautiful can ever last.
So, I close my eyes and I will dream of you,
and know that one day, I will think of you and be blue.