-I apologize for my prolonged absence; life has been a living hell difficult as of recent.-

I have countless things to say, but no words in mind to express those things.

I will let my thoughts flow.

I am filled with sadness, worry, guilt, anxiety, apathy, and anger. I feel as though I am a voodoo doll and some higher power has a vengeance against me; my body has been set ablaze and my energy has been drained. My mind, well, might as well be noodles for someone to feast on. I walk around feeling displaced and drunk, but yet I am completely sober. I worry about myself, about my father and mother, but what good does that do? Nothing. I lie in bed, drained, depressed, sick. Why?

Since childhood, I have longed to be happy. I have never been like the others I see around me. The others are happy, upbeat, charismatic, optimistic, giggly, and excited for the next part of their day. I feel more than them. I see more than them. Their auras, their personalities, their demeanor.. I can feel it. I meet someone and see their smile and hear what they tell me, how they want me to see them, but I see so much more. “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” I am blessed to be able to experience the world in a way that the others can not. I am cursed because the world is overwhelming to my senses; a typical day is exhausting. But, I do not wish to change.

I would rather be aware than to be ignorant and happy, like the others.

~

Demons to Fight

There are too many emotions. What to say? What is most important? What makes the most sense? What can people relate to? Right now, I do not care.

I always feel like I am not good enough, whether it be a lot or a little. Always, I fall short. I have an issue with people criticizing me without reason or warning. I do not understand those who are so ill mannered and mean to others; it seems these people are always ahead in the game. I refuse to lower myself to someone I am not just to succeed. My depression is a constant ache, my obsessive compulsive thoughts only making that pain worse. Anxiety? Let me worry about my depression and OCD. Bills? Fuck, everything is late. I am never good enough because I refuse to sacrifice who I am to get ahead. When will I be enough? Never? Okay, I will learn to cope. My immune system seems to be working against me, as if everything else was not enough. Fibromyalgia, which my doctor suspects I have, sends pain through my body. Is it in my mind? Maybe. The pain is still just as real. My bones pop when I move, constantly readjusting from the pressure of life. My body is weak and tired, and my mind the same. Every day, I wake up and act as though I am fine. I am going to have a good day. I am not depressed, nor anxious. It is absurd that I am thought to have Fibromyalgia.. I am too young, too healthy. Reality sets in before I even remove my head from my pillow. I am not okay, and it hurts to admit that. I am flawed in a way that most people can not understand. I am flawed in a way that society does not accept. My depression, anxiety, OCD, and whatever the hell else is wrong does not care that my disabilities are seen as miniscule. Depressed? Well, just get up and do something; it will go away. Anxious? Why do you worry about everything? Think about something else; get out and do something and it will go away. OCD? You must be crazy, just stop. You are having a panic attack? Just calm down and come into work and get your mind off of things. You are on medication? I do not believe that helps. Have you tried yoga? I just can not believe depression and anxiety are actually caused my a chemical imbalance; the medication you are on surely is not helping.

On a good day, I am still struggling. On a bad day, it is all I can do to appear ‘normal.’ On a ‘normal’ day, my thoughts still consume me. Mental disorders are real, and those who discredit them are monsters. I do not seek sympathy, but I do seek understanding.

I say that I am okay, because in MY reality, I am. A good day for me may be equivalent to one of the worst days of your life.

Tomorrow, I will wake up the same as I did today: worried, anxious, sad, mad, lazy, avoid-ant, antisocial, introverted, eccentric, excited, achy, tired.. This is who I am, and I fear, who I will always be.

I will not apologize for the cards I have been dealt. Nor should you judge others from being a different card than you are. We are all part of the same deck; we are all important and unique. We do not have to understand one another, but we do need to accept that life has given us all different demons to fight.