As I look into the night sky,
I think of you.
Are the Heavens up above?
Is it just endless blue?
I ask, if you can hear me, to summon a shooting star
to shoot across the night sky, so that I know that you can hear me from afar.
Looking up, hopeful, I wait for my fiery sign;
but, to my disappointment, nothing catches my eye.
If you could hear me, my sweet father, I know you’d show me a sign.
In this moment, yet again I wonder, if there is an after life.
When words have lost their meaning,
When the light can no longer reach your eyes,
I hope you know that I am with you;
I hope you know that I have never left your side.
Mother Nature has mourned your passing;
Rain has fallen for days.
The sun is hidden behind a thick sheet of clouds.
She refuses to smile; she will not show her rays.
When God has made your final arrangements,
He will lift you up in his gentle hands.
My sweet father, you’ll no longer be in pain.
You will find happiness and peace in a magical far off land.
One day, we will be together again;
Until then, know that I love you with every fiber of my being.
You are not only my father, but also my best friend.
You will always be a part of me;
Our bond will never end.
I am sitting by my father’s bed listening to his labored breathing. His vitals are no longer good; his heart is working over time, he’s feverish, clammy. He can’t eat or drink. He hasn’t opened his eyes at all. His nurse said he has a couple days, no more than a week. My mother and I are giving him morphine around the clock so he remains comfortable.
A chaplain stopped by today to talk with me and my mom; we all stood and prayed over my dad’s bed.
I’ve learned a lot about life the past month that I’ve been home with my father. I’ve learned who cares about me and who doesn’t. I’ve learned to make sure I let my emotions out in a healthy way. Mostly, I’ve learned what’s important in this life: love. As my father is lying here dying, the only thing I can give him is my love. I can no longer feed him, give him a drink, bathe him, talk with him, laugh with him, or even watch TV with him. All he can accept from me at this point is my unconditional love for him. I could be offered a million dollars to leave his side, and I wouldn’t.
Watching a parent die, especially being as young as I am, is one of the hardest things I’ll ever go through. Dementia has stolen everything from him over this past year; the father that I grew up knowing has been gone a long time. I feel so many emotions. I’m sad that I’m losing my father. I’m angry, very angry, that I’m losing my father. I’m thankful that I’ve had him in my life this long, but I hate that I won’t have him longer. I’m anxious. I’m nervous. I don’t want him to stay in pain, but I also don’t want to let go. If I ever get married, he won’t be there to walk me down the isle. He won’t be at my college graduation. I won’t be able to give him a grandchild. He can’t answer questions I have about my car. He won’t be able to make sure the first house I buy is in good shape. He won’t be able to do any of the things that I need from him. The most terrifying of all is that he can’t ever tell me that he loves me again.