Empty.

I look for you in everyone I meet. I search for pieces of you every place I go. You are a puzzle that has been undone, spending your life scattered across numerous floors. Certain pieces of you hold the beauty of a thousand suns, while others are nothing but a beige blur. I am unable to find the parts of you that I seek the most; maybe the wind knows, and blows you away from me. I spend my life searching for you; you are always just out of my reach. I look for you in every corner, as I stumble to my knees. I spend my whole life searching only to end up empty.

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I’ll always be in love.

I will always be in love with the love that we had. I will never forget the smile that came across your face whenever I showed up without any warning; the smile that radiated pure, childish, happiness. It is one of my most beautiful, and sad, memories that I will forever hold dear to my heart. I will never forget the euphoric feeling I had whenever we were together; what we were doing at the time did not matter – I just wanted to be with you. I will never forget looking into your eyes; the most beautiful green, speckled with brown..they contained such an innocence that gave me hope. At the time, you hid no secrets behind those beautifully colored mirrors into your soul. I will never forget the sound of your laugh, which I heard so very often; on my worst days, your joy and laughter would spread to me. You were electric. I will never forget the times we created art together; in those moments, we became one. I will never forget the softness of your skin or the silkiness of your dirty blonde hair. I will never forget the freckles on your face. I will never forget you, because part of me will always be in love with who you used to be.

P o r n .

I get it. You’re lonely and without a female(or male) intimately involved in your life. There is every type of porn available within a few clicks on your computer; I see how that must be overwhelming to a guy with needs to be met.

I don’t get it. You’re with a girl (or guy) who you share such a wonderful connection with; you find her(him) interesting, funny, smart, and beautiful(handsome), among many other things. Your sexual needs are being met. You still seek out porn in your spare time.

You’re not sexually active and you love porn. One day, you meet a girl who takes your breath away. Things start getting more serious and you find yourself in the bedroom trying to make love. Why trying? Because she’s a real girl, your brain doesn’t know what to do..your orgasm is connected to a screen so a real body just doesn’t do it for you. It just doesn’t work. She feels such a sense of sadness and insecurity. Obviously, she isn’t good enough. “Yes you are! This is a problem with me, not you. You’re beautiful and I’m so lucky to have you.” the guy tells her. You’re right, the problem is with you, but it trickles down and also now becomes about her. The truth is: she isn’t good enough. She isn’t good enough for your brain and body, no matter the reasoning. Knowing that you can get it up to a virtual woman (whom girls often feel inferior to) is heartbreaking. Even if you get the issue fixed later down the road, that pain will stay with her. She will always feel like she isn’t enough, even in other relationships.

She knows you struggle, so she sends you some pictures of herself to look at. You love the pictures and she feels so relieved. That same week, she finds out you still watched porn. Now she really doesn’t feel good enough..

“I don’t know why I watch it. It’s actually kind of gross.” Is it? Is it kind of gross? Because your raging erection and obsession with watching it says otherwise. The last time I checked, I don’t get turned on by things that I find gross.

“I watched it because I was lonely for so long.” I get it. You aren’t lonely now.. so what’s your excuse?

“I’m not into girls that look fake.” But yet you constantly look at them and pleasure yourself? Something isn’t adding up.

“No, I don’t wish you looked like porn stars.” That’s good to know. Why can you get it up while looking at them, but can’t make love when you see me (a REAL person)?

“I can’t stand to hurt you. I’m disgusted with myself. I’ll fix this, I promise.” A week later and you have still watched it some. “Well, it’s less than what I used to…” What happened to being disgusted with yourself and not wanting to hurt me? Because, shocker, I’m hurt.

He lies to you about watching porn. “I didn’t want to hurt you… that’s why I didn’t tell you.” But, somehow, lying hurts less? I don’t think so.

Why does he think its okay to look at other naked women on a regular basis? Does he want his girlfriend to look at other naked guys and touch herself? I don’t think so. The excuse that “porn doesn’t mean anything” is bullshit. If it didn’t mean anything, then you wouldn’t have a problem giving it up. I donate things that don’t mean anything to me to charity; time to donate your porn problem to the trash. It also means A LOT to the girl you’re hurting; that should be enough, if anything is, to stop.

If you’re in a relationship where both parties are okay with porn, awesome. If you’re in a relationship where you disagree with one another on watching porn, then open and honest communication needs to be used.

For me, it’s a deal breaker. If you watch porn, great, but I’m done going through this. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m sick of being hurt. I’m sick of crying over it. I’m sick of trying to just deal with it. I deserve someone who only looks at me. I deserve someone who doesn’t view a woman’s body as just something to look at as a means to get off. I deserve to feel sexy and beautiful in an intimate relationship.

 

 

We Knew All Along

I’m hurt, and it’s your fault; you can’t tell me that it isn’t. My heart didn’t ache because someone else canceled plans. I didn’t cry because someone else ignored my calls for help. You say I’m needy; fine, I am. I’m needy, but you’re selfish. You’re so selfish that, in your mind, your actions don’t affect other people. You tell me that I shouldn’t care; you don’t understand why I care. You know what? I don’t understand why I ever cared either. I say I won’t get attached; I say that, this time, unlike all the others, I won’t care too much. I won’t latch onto your heart. That’s bullshit. I will always care too much, and I will always get attached. That’s my flaw, but also my beauty, is how much of myself I am willing to invest in everyone else. You were a wasted investment. Although it pains me so very deeply to let someone go, I did; someone so selfish doesn’t deserve someone so selfless. I’ll sleep just the same, because I know that I’ve done nothing wrong. You’re the one losing someone who would’ve loved you deeper than any other ever will.. but we both knew this would happen all along.

Who am I?

I’m at a crossroads between who I am and who I want to be; I see everything I want, and I also see everything that I’ve been molded to be. I like certain things from both of the roads; can I pick and choose? Can I take the best of both routes and make a new road? That is, if I’m even strong enough to abandon the road I know so well..the me that I’ve grown up knowing. My habits, fears, desires, obsessions, anxieties, dreams.. are those things concrete? At this point, am I able to change some of the strongest qualities about myself? I aspire to be happy, but maybe that isn’t a part of who I am. Sadness and exhaustion seem like a standard part of my personality. I’d like to have a loving, honest, and faithful marriage one day, but can I? Can I be faithful to someone for a lifetime? Can I love the same person endlessly? I want to be religious, but will a religion ever actually make sense to me? I want a career, but I struggle to finish school. I want to run away for a while, to someplace unknown to me, but I am chained; I am chained to where I’ve grown up. I need to love myself and be okay on my own, but I constantly cling to a romantic partner; if I don’t feel wanted, then I feel nothing except for incompleteness. I need my father, but he is gone; no matter how hard I cry, he isn’t coming back. I need to know that he can see me and hear me when I speak to him, but I can’t. I need to know I’ll see him again, but how can I know that? Faith isn’t enough when it comes to family. So, for now, I stand at this crossroads and take time to examine where I need to go.