Before She Found Herself

Sometime before she fully reached adulthood, she traded in her Dr. Pepper for a whiskey and Coke and sweet tea for a shot of whatever was being offered. She was lost in a whirlwind of emotions and the alcohol made her feel numb- a pleasant state of laughter and what she thought was happiness. The happiness later turned into numerous one night stands (well, sometimes she would go back to the same person), drunk driving, and breakdowns in bathrooms where she vomited and cried by the bathtub of a stranger. None of her questions about life were answered the way she wanted, so she drank more and more until she eventually did not know who she was. She went through the motions, either drunk, hungover, or trying to get through work until she could start the cycle all over again. The panic attacks were getting worse and more frequent, and she could say the same about her depression. The alcohol numbed these and the numerous boys made her feel wanted and beautiful. She felt whole. The problem was that when she woke at 4:36am, she was naked, dehydrated, had a migraine, and was next to someone that did not care about her deeper than what he saw- anxiety and negative emotions flooded her as she gathered her things, got in her car still a little drunk, and drove away.

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P o r n .

I get it. You’re lonely and without a female(or male) intimately involved in your life. There is every type of porn available within a few clicks on your computer; I see how that must be overwhelming to a guy with needs to be met.

I don’t get it. You’re with a girl (or guy) who you share such a wonderful connection with; you find her(him) interesting, funny, smart, and beautiful(handsome), among many other things. Your sexual needs are being met. You still seek out porn in your spare time.

You’re not sexually active and you love porn. One day, you meet a girl who takes your breath away. Things start getting more serious and you find yourself in the bedroom trying to make love. Why trying? Because she’s a real girl, your brain doesn’t know what to do..your orgasm is connected to a screen so a real body just doesn’t do it for you. It just doesn’t work. She feels such a sense of sadness and insecurity. Obviously, she isn’t good enough. “Yes you are! This is a problem with me, not you. You’re beautiful and I’m so lucky to have you.” the guy tells her. You’re right, the problem is with you, but it trickles down and also now becomes about her. The truth is: she isn’t good enough. She isn’t good enough for your brain and body, no matter the reasoning. Knowing that you can get it up to a virtual woman (whom girls often feel inferior to) is heartbreaking. Even if you get the issue fixed later down the road, that pain will stay with her. She will always feel like she isn’t enough, even in other relationships.

She knows you struggle, so she sends you some pictures of herself to look at. You love the pictures and she feels so relieved. That same week, she finds out you still watched porn. Now she really doesn’t feel good enough..

“I don’t know why I watch it. It’s actually kind of gross.” Is it? Is it kind of gross? Because your raging erection and obsession with watching it says otherwise. The last time I checked, I don’t get turned on by things that I find gross.

“I watched it because I was lonely for so long.” I get it. You aren’t lonely now.. so what’s your excuse?

“I’m not into girls that look fake.” But yet you constantly look at them and pleasure yourself? Something isn’t adding up.

“No, I don’t wish you looked like porn stars.” That’s good to know. Why can you get it up while looking at them, but can’t make love when you see me (a REAL person)?

“I can’t stand to hurt you. I’m disgusted with myself. I’ll fix this, I promise.” A week later and you have still watched it some. “Well, it’s less than what I used to…” What happened to being disgusted with yourself and not wanting to hurt me? Because, shocker, I’m hurt.

He lies to you about watching porn. “I didn’t want to hurt you… that’s why I didn’t tell you.” But, somehow, lying hurts less? I don’t think so.

Why does he think its okay to look at other naked women on a regular basis? Does he want his girlfriend to look at other naked guys and touch herself? I don’t think so. The excuse that “porn doesn’t mean anything” is bullshit. If it didn’t mean anything, then you wouldn’t have a problem giving it up. I donate things that don’t mean anything to me to charity; time to donate your porn problem to the trash. It also means A LOT to the girl you’re hurting; that should be enough, if anything is, to stop.

If you’re in a relationship where both parties are okay with porn, awesome. If you’re in a relationship where you disagree with one another on watching porn, then open and honest communication needs to be used.

For me, it’s a deal breaker. If you watch porn, great, but I’m done going through this. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m sick of being hurt. I’m sick of crying over it. I’m sick of trying to just deal with it. I deserve someone who only looks at me. I deserve someone who doesn’t view a woman’s body as just something to look at as a means to get off. I deserve to feel sexy and beautiful in an intimate relationship.