I’m hurt, and it’s your fault; you can’t tell me that it isn’t. My heart didn’t ache because someone else canceled plans. I didn’t cry because someone else ignored my calls for help. You say I’m needy; fine, I am. I’m needy, but you’re selfish. You’re so selfish that, in your mind, your actions don’t affect other people. You tell me that I shouldn’t care; you don’t understand why I care. You know what? I don’t understand why I ever cared either. I say I won’t get attached; I say that, this time, unlike all the others, I won’t care too much. I won’t latch onto your heart. That’s bullshit. I will always care too much, and I will always get attached. That’s my flaw, but also my beauty, is how much of myself I am willing to invest in everyone else. You were a wasted investment. Although it pains me so very deeply to let someone go, I did; someone so selfish doesn’t deserve someone so selfless. I’ll sleep just the same, because I know that I’ve done nothing wrong. You’re the one losing someone who would’ve loved you deeper than any other ever will.. but we both knew this would happen all along.
I latch onto things. I cling to people. I hold people too close to my heart without their permission. I care too much, and I feel too deeply. After all of the pain I have endured, you think I’d be able to detach, but that isn’t the case. There has never been a point in my life that I haven’t latched onto another human being. There has never been a time where I go to sleep without someone on my mind. There is never a time when I look at my phone without hoping I have a message from a certain someone.
I’m a hopeless romantic, as much as it pains me to admit that. When I’m sad, I dream of my prince charming showing up at my door to comfort me. When I hear a car, I hope it’s him surprising me just because he wanted to see me. I wish for flowers just because. I anxiously await a sweet good morning text message. Each person I meet, I dream of these things that I know I’ll never get.
While I’m falling asleep thinking of you, I’m not on your mind at all. While I’m dreaming of sleeping beside you, you’re probably sleeping beside someone else. When I wake up and text you that I hope you have a wonderful day, you’ve probably just sent that same text to another. I think of you throughout the day and hope you’re well, meanwhile, I’m still not anywhere on your mind. As I’m writing this, alone and rather sad, you’re happy. You’re happy without me or anyone else, and I’m angry. I’m angry because I’m not only bad at being alone, I just don’t know how.
As I am drowning in my tears, you are floating on a cloud. I see everything I am about to lose as you see everything you are about to gain. Though I am holding on tight, you are trying to let go. If you love something, let it go. But no. I have never known life without you in it. I have never awoken a day without you. You are a part of life that I do not know how to live without. While you are drifting away, I am trying to figure everything out. I hope that when you close your eyes, the beauty is almost too much to bear. I hope that when you drift off to sleep, your passed loved ones are there. I hope that when you leave this world, you are happy, comfortable, and content. Most of all, I hope you know how much love you have left behind. Your life has been well spent.