Vol. 1

I latch onto things. I cling to people. I hold people too close to my heart without their permission. I care too much, and I feel too deeply. After all of the pain I have endured, you think I’d be able to detach, but that isn’t the case. There has never been a point in my life that I haven’t latched onto another human being. There has never been a time where I go to sleep without someone on my mind. There is never a time when I look at my phone without hoping I have a message from a certain someone.

I’m a hopeless romantic, as much as it pains me to admit that. When I’m sad, I dream of my prince charming showing up at my door to comfort me. When I hear a car, I hope it’s him surprising me just because he wanted to see me. I wish for flowers just because. I anxiously await a sweet good morning text message. Each person I meet, I dream of these things that I know I’ll never get.

While I’m falling asleep thinking of you, I’m not on your mind at all. While I’m dreaming of sleeping beside you, you’re probably sleeping beside someone else. When I wake up and text you that I hope you have a wonderful day, you’ve probably just sent that same text to another. I think of you throughout the day and hope you’re well, meanwhile, I’m still not anywhere on your mind. As I’m writing this, alone and rather sad, you’re happy. You’re happy without me or anyone else, and I’m angry. I’m angry because I’m not only bad at being alone, I just don’t know how.

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Demons to Fight

There are too many emotions. What to say? What is most important? What makes the most sense? What can people relate to? Right now, I do not care.

I always feel like I am not good enough, whether it be a lot or a little. Always, I fall short. I have an issue with people criticizing me without reason or warning. I do not understand those who are so ill mannered and mean to others; it seems these people are always ahead in the game. I refuse to lower myself to someone I am not just to succeed. My depression is a constant ache, my obsessive compulsive thoughts only making that pain worse. Anxiety? Let me worry about my depression and OCD. Bills? Fuck, everything is late. I am never good enough because I refuse to sacrifice who I am to get ahead. When will I be enough? Never? Okay, I will learn to cope. My immune system seems to be working against me, as if everything else was not enough. Fibromyalgia, which my doctor suspects I have, sends pain through my body. Is it in my mind? Maybe. The pain is still just as real. My bones pop when I move, constantly readjusting from the pressure of life. My body is weak and tired, and my mind the same. Every day, I wake up and act as though I am fine. I am going to have a good day. I am not depressed, nor anxious. It is absurd that I am thought to have Fibromyalgia.. I am too young, too healthy. Reality sets in before I even remove my head from my pillow. I am not okay, and it hurts to admit that. I am flawed in a way that most people can not understand. I am flawed in a way that society does not accept. My depression, anxiety, OCD, and whatever the hell else is wrong does not care that my disabilities are seen as miniscule. Depressed? Well, just get up and do something; it will go away. Anxious? Why do you worry about everything? Think about something else; get out and do something and it will go away. OCD? You must be crazy, just stop. You are having a panic attack? Just calm down and come into work and get your mind off of things. You are on medication? I do not believe that helps. Have you tried yoga? I just can not believe depression and anxiety are actually caused my a chemical imbalance; the medication you are on surely is not helping.

On a good day, I am still struggling. On a bad day, it is all I can do to appear ‘normal.’ On a ‘normal’ day, my thoughts still consume me. Mental disorders are real, and those who discredit them are monsters. I do not seek sympathy, but I do seek understanding.

I say that I am okay, because in MY reality, I am. A good day for me may be equivalent to one of the worst days of your life.

Tomorrow, I will wake up the same as I did today: worried, anxious, sad, mad, lazy, avoid-ant, antisocial, introverted, eccentric, excited, achy, tired.. This is who I am, and I fear, who I will always be.

I will not apologize for the cards I have been dealt. Nor should you judge others from being a different card than you are. We are all part of the same deck; we are all important and unique. We do not have to understand one another, but we do need to accept that life has given us all different demons to fight.